Last three days of junior year
6/5/23:
Today is my last Monday of junior year. Woah. What a year it’s been. I remember when I first sat down to write my blog post back in August about my anxieties for the year to come. Then came the second one in October when I first started the school year and didn’t really understand where I would fit in yet. I feel like I’ve come so far in such a short amount of time. It’s crazy how fast things can change before your eyes.
I try to appreciate the last moments of the year. Like when I have a free period and get to lay out on the benches and soak in the summer air. Today I was sitting in class thinking, “This is one of my last classes of CA (my History and English class) I will ever have for the rest of my life”. Although I couldn’t help but sit through the entire class doing nothing but picking off my nail polish bit by bit. I try to cherish even these moments because I know they will mean a lot to me later on but I can’t help my attention span. It’s funny because I’m aware of the fact that I am going to miss all of this; simplicity and happiness and comfort that I feel right now, it’s all going to be swept from under me next year, but I don’t know how to process these feelings “correctly”.
It’s just like when you know you’re in the “good old days”. I already miss them so much as I live through them. I know life will only get harder and that’s okay because it will also get better. I know that no matter what happens I will always remember these days with a fondness and twinge of sadness because I am still young and curious and carefree.
6/6/23:
3:00 PM
I am sitting in my last class today right now. I have 30 minutes left of the school day. Today is my final normal day of school, tomorrow is broken up into 30-minute chunks and will mostly be filled with busy work and goodbyes.
It’s weird how we are all going on with class like everything is normal. I mean it is, but it doesn’t feel like it. Should we be acknowledging how monumental this is? We’ve been working the whole year to make it to this point and the finish line has become obsolete. I feel sad. I’m both excited for class to be over and don’t really want to leave.
4:35 PM
After class, I just sat around and lingered for a few minutes longer than I usually do. I stared at the high ceilings and maps hanging down the wall. I stared at the corner of the room my desk sits in. On the wall is scribbled: “Caitlin was here”, but that was from a few months ago. I feel so oddly sentimental and time moves too fast for me to process it.
The weather today was a confusing mess of fog and drizzle and haze and sun. In the morning the sun was barely visible through the pink clouds it almost looked as if the sun was setting behind the white backdrop of the sky, and I stared at it wondering how coincidental it was that the weather seemed just as conflicted and confused as I was. It’s not a coincidence at all, I just happen to think about things too deeply sometimes.
But it will all be done tomorrow, and I will go to sleep and wake up and continue life and grow and grow.
6/8/23:
I am officially a senior and summer has kicked off! Yesterday I was happier than I had been earlier in the week because I’d already taken the time to process my melancholy beforehand.
The entire energy of the day felt rather dystopian because of the awful weather and air conditions that are currently shrouding New York. When my friends and I gathered in the cafeteria for the last time, all we saw outside was the thick yellow smog that blanketed the trees beyond. It smelt like a campfire and I walked around campus feeling like I was in the plot of some post-apocalyptic movie. A perfect way to end the school year.
All in all, this year wasn’t too bad. I am content with the way things are and the way life is. I don’t have anything remarkable to say because it usually takes a few weeks for the feeling of summer to really catch up to me. That will be when I wake up and find I don’t have anything to do or anyone to see. For now, I am still trapped in the haze of the past school year and have yet to feel the summer rays beam on my face again.