Time spent with the world
After essentially a year-long hiatus—I’m back.
I have gone radio silent this year for a multitude of reasons. Still, the main one was that it took a lot of work, and outside of the chaos of senior year, my job, and my social life, I had no spare time to sit and be truly introspective until now—almost two months after I graduated high school.
Feels like a big jump. One of my last posts here was from the end of junior year. That’s a trip. I feel very far away from the girl who was last posting on this blog.
I don’t have nearly enough time in the world to describe the events of my life that have unfolded in the past year and frankly, it feels too personal to write and share on the internet but here’s a brief recap of what I think is most important:
1. I turned 18. & I do not feel much different at all but I do feel like I have more agency over my life now that I’m preparing to move away and start my young adult life in college.
2. I got into college. I will be off to Paris for the next three years pursuing an education in business and fashion! I am incredibly excited and grateful to have found something so well-suited for me that I am passionate about.
3. I took a poetry class this year. In my first semester of senior year, I took an elective in English and American poetry that really opened my eyes to the beauty of poetry which sounds superrrr corny but it has been my favorite class I’ve taken thus far in my life. Now I have The Norton Anthology of Poetry stacked on a pile of books by my nightstand that I can flip through and reread whenever I need to be reminded of my analytical thinking skills.
4. I experienced all the classic high school moments I have seen in the movies and yearned for as a young girl: I got a promposal, made some questionable decisions at parties, found a secret spot on campus I always return to when things become overwhelming, had a hallway crush, drove to the local deli during lunches (blasting music out the windows), and whatever else you could imagine. Lastly… (see next point)
5. I graduated. I mentioned this earlier but it deserves its own little spiel. It was a pretty unreal feeling that had only begun to sink in. We did the whole tossing of your caps into the air bit and I said goodbye to all my teachers and classmates, many of whom I know I will never see again.
That does not even manage to cover the kinds of character development I’ve gone through this year but it’s a start.
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I’ve spent my summer days mostly working at an art gallery. I got this job last summer and I’ve been coming in here and there during the school year but now I’m committed to a weekly schedule. I really enjoy it—it’s brought me to many other galleries, in conversation with artists, given me a place to spend my otherwise wasted time, and taught me how to manage a small business in New York. Of course, it was also what inspired me to apply to college for what I am studying and will pursue in my life afterward, so I have a lot to thank for this job.
I haven’t been able to decide if I will miss the people I’m leaving behind next year or if I’m excited but honestly, I am ready for change. I realized that the thought of spending one more year in high school was nightmarish even though I’ve truly cherished the ups and downs of this year. Deep down I also know I wish for more time (I don’t even know what I would do with it, who I would want to see, or where I want to go) but I am a very nostalgic person.
Even if something has ended perfectly as I would have wanted (such as my senior year), it won’t stop me from wishing for more. I guess that’s one of my fatal flaws. I’ll miss a moment even when it’s happening because I can already see myself remembering it in the future.
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The reason I was compelled to return to this blog was because I’ve been having a lot of thoughts recently that have become too big for my journal and notes app combined.
They sprawl and are erratic and take over many pages like overgrown vines. On the surface, they are disconnected but I’m thinking about the same thing in every scribble of my pencil. I’m afraid it will continue to grow unless I write it all down as I am doing now to exercise the impulse to verbalize all that I feel.
Yesterday I wrote down a few lines from one of my favorite poems on a Post-it and stuck it onto my laptop:
The most beautiful part of your body
is where it’s headed. & remember,
loneliness is still time spent
with the world.
“Someday I’ll Love Ocean Vuong”, by Ocean Vuong.
I think about those lines a lot. I guess the feeling of loneliness becomes much more pervasive in the summer and it’s really hitting me hard now that I am coming to terms with the end of my life as I know it.
Soon enough I will be off on my own in a new country, meeting new people, and creating new memories. And as excited as I am for that—now I am simply feeling the dread I know so well when I have to let go. But I let myself soak in that feeling because I know it will go away too.
