Excited
No matter how much the future scares me, I can’t help but simultaneously feel excited for what’s to come. I’ve been dealing with lots of worse-case scenarios of how my life could unfold, but I try to remind myself that everything is in my control so the way my life unfolds will be according to how I want it to.
I think I’ve gotten over the initial dread of starting the (dare I say…) college process. Now I’m just beginning to think about what it is I want in life when I leave high school. The problem is I don’t think I ever want to grow up. At the same time, another part of me is secretly looking forward to decorating my first apartment, getting my first car, going on my own vacations, etc., etc. Lots of conflicting emotions going on right now.
I’m starting to feel like a real person. Or maybe a better way of saying that is that I feel like a real, normal high school girl. I just started to learn how to drive (which is somewhat unnecessary given I live in the city, but I’ll probably need this skill someday…), and being in the driver’s seat for the first time in my life was a daunting yet exhilarating reminder that: I’m finally growing up! There I was, driving 6 miles per hour with the car seat inched closely to the gas and brake, around the neighborhood I knew so well on foot. Now I’m taking my ACTs, preparing for lacrosse tryouts, meeting with my college counselor, and basically doing all the things a 10-year-old me would expect a Disney channel high schooler to do.
I’ve been making a lot more art recently as well, I think making this website helped me rediscover how much I love to draw and paint. I treated my art skills as more of a party trick in the past when I didn’t really have any reason outside of school to pursue it. Now I’m getting ready to put together a portfolio. It’s funny the way things work out.
I don’t think I would ever become an artist though. I would be too scared of losing my love for art if I had to make a living off it. I think hobbies and jobs should remain in separate spheres (in most cases). I can see myself easily getting sick of making art if I depended on it as a source of income. Commodifying your passions can only lead to their inevitable demise (I think).
Even though I’ve been experiencing a bit of burnout this month, I know that once I get through the drudge of winter, time is going to fly by (and it already is). Each day feels like a thousand years but soon enough I wake up and realize another month has slipped away. It feels like this entire year has already gone by faster than all of the past years I’ve lived. Maybe that’s because life is really starting to ramp up now, or because I’ve just become more conscious of the unstopping world around me.
Anyways I’ve just been trying to not stress too much about what will happen because imagining where I’ll end up makes me feel an inexplicable kind of dread. Taking life day by day seems like the best way to get through it. At the end of the day, I will be okay. “Everything happens for a reason”, or something to that effect.
